i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Randomize
