I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
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