im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
Girls should come with a carfax report
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
