you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Randomize
