I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Randomize
