sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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