The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Randomize
