My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
Randomize
