he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
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