I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
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