I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
