i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Randomize
