think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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