My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
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