FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Randomize
