My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Randomize
