I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Randomize