I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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