We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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