He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Randomize