im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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