Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Randomize
