My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
