Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
