why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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