Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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