Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Randomize
