Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
