My hand turned me down
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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