I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
