she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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