You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
