I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
Just passed a sign for an "adult food and fuel superstore". Wtf does that even mean?
im not sure but a few things come to mind which just makes me giggle
Guys should not giggle. Ever.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
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