I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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