If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
