If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Randomize
