Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
Randomize
