Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize