i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
