Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
