Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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