Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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