"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
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