bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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