Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
