You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I feel like abortions should bother me more
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
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