Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
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