who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
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