just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
