So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
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