so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
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