this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
