Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Found the puke drawer
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
