you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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