I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Randomize
