I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
