he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
