i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
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