i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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